NCYC 2007

I had the privelege of volunteering for the National Catholic Youth Conference in Columbus this last weekend. Oh my gosh!! I tend to be somewhat cynical about life in general, but seeing and meeting these kids that were open about being Catholic Christians was so inspiring. It took me well into my 30's to get the beauty of the Catholic faith, but these kids at the conference were proud of their faith and were kind and considerate young people. I'm not so naive as to think that as some of them get older, they may lose that enthusiasm, but just to see it was an inspiration for me. God works in mysterious ways. He has given me something to think about through this experience. Life is very, very short and I am astounded by these young people that aren't afraid to proclaim their faith.

Learning By Fire

My boss is on maternity leave...I miss her...but because of this fact I am facing many challenges. I am not good at not knowing what to do next, so this has been a trial by fire. On one hand, it is overwhelming, on the other, I see that I am forced to learn many things on my own, which is a good thing assuming I can keep my emotions intact. I am not good at going it alone. My husband reminds me that I am a follower, not a leader. I can accept that. It's who I am, but in this situation I am trying to be in control without bothering my dear boss while she is busy adjusting to baby #2. I realize that each new adventure I am given is a chance for growth. I just need to be calm and remember that God is with me and that I can only do what I can do.

The Suprise of Friends

Had a wonderful evening last night with my three good friends and our spouses. My girl friends and I met at our church years ago and have been fast friends since. Fifteen years ago, one of the ladies, Mary, needed to make a trip to her widowed father's beach house in Maryland to clear up some details. We had all just barely gotten to know each other through our church folk choir. On a whim, she asked me, Meg and Theresa, our two other now "buds", to join her for a long weekend. I had three relatively young kids at the time and was unsure if my husband would think this was a great idea. He reluctantly agreed and there I was traveling with three unknown entities. I remember thinking, "I don't even know these girls and I'm committing four days of my life with them. What if we don't really want to hang out with each other after all?" PPSHA!!! I made three tremendous friends that weekend and we remain best of friends. This Thursday we head out for our 15th, yes 15th, girl's trip. New York City! We have been to Las Vegas, the Bahamas, Toronto, Chicago, Scottsdale and many other enticing locations, but the best part of the journey is that it doesn't matter where we go, we have so much fun! We find humor in the little things and laugh until we can't laugh anymore. We've tried to let "Oprah" in on our little secret, but she doesn't seem interested. We've gotten so good at this that we have our own savings account for our trips, as well as our own credit card to use. We rack up points on our card to use on future trips. Our motto is "we love we". And shouldn't we? God has given me three spectacular friends that I can share my joys, tears, and mostly, laughs with. I am so thankful for these girls and I wish my good fortune on all women out there.

It's Not All About Me

I needed to take some time off of my extensive years of blogging....oh wait, its only been a couple of months.....but anyway, I needed some time away.
I had a visit with my mom recently. She had knee replacement surgery-her second-and my sibs and I were making an effort to visit with mom and dad to make sure they were getting along OK. As you know from my rantings, mom has mental health issues and dad caters to her every whim. I respect him immensely, but wish he would encourage her to do more for herself.
That aside, I spent last weekend with family-in-laws and friends, and through a series of discussions, I concluded that maybe I am as needy as mom. Could that be why she irritates me so?!
I think I need to be less aware of me and more about everyone else.
None of us are perfect....surprise!
I have been trying to go to confession more often and I find that each time I go, I end up in tears. I don't think I am that kind of a gal that cries easily, but for some reason, in confession, the tears flow. I could be confessing that I killed a fly (which, by the way, are plentiful in my work place, and I have been known to throw a curse word or two at those poor creatures....devils that they are!) and I'd still cry. I feel like the good Lord is telling me something. Confession is a cleansing experience. I wish more people would use this wonderful sacrament. It gives me pause and makes me think about the lasting effects of my selfishness.
Last week in confession as I was weeping about my relationship with mom, or more accurately, lack thereof, my dear priest told me to accept my mother as my cross to bear with Christ. Wouldn't you think that at 47 years of age I would have figured that out?!
It goes to show, our bodies age, but our psyches do not.
Peace.

Brittany Spears

I saw the video of Brittany Spears on You Tube at the VMA awards. First, let me say that the VMAs are not what I would choose to regularly view, but being who I am, I have a sick interest in the world of performers and wanted to see what all the hype was about.
Secondly, let me say that Brittany is not, and has never been, what I would call a role model for our young girls. That said, she has obviously lost her guiding light, if she indeed ever had one. BUT, who are we to judge what she is going through in her personal life?! I am not an advocate of girls gone bad; on the contrary I abhor the recent slew of young ladies who are our supposed examples of hip and current celebs. However, who am I to be critical of their overexposed lives?!
My point is, how can I be critical of their lifestyle just because it is shown on a daily basis in the media? I wonder, if my life was privy to the media, would others think I was wallowing in my consumption of myself? We don't have the right to judge and yet I find myself being the Supreme Court Justice of others. So, I say, Brittany, I feel sorry for you and your decisions and, Ann, I feel sorry for you in your judgement of those you don't really know.

Adoration

I do not consider myself the best example of Christianity, but I have been involved in our Eucharistic Adoration program for some 6 years. For those of you who are not Catholic, Adoration is an opportunity to spend an hour with Jesus at church in the presence of his Holy Body. To non-Catholics I know this must sound creepy, but to me it is a beautiful and peaceful way to share time with Jesus. The monstrance, the vessel in which the Eucharist is held, is placed on the altar. I have a whole hour to talk to Jesus in His most holy presence. I know He is with me at all other times, but there is something almost transforming about being in His presence in a quiet church with just myself, or maybe with one other fellow adorer, that is pure peace.
I sometimes walk into church (being a church employee, I have duties that require me to prepare the altar for weekend masses)and simply have an overwhelming feeling of the joy of Christ. I can't explain it, but I am so thankful for it. I often feel like a sub-moderate human being, but in this time with Jesus, I know He is with me and that He is letting me know, "Ann, give yourself a break and just enjoy me".

Time and feeling like a piece of crap!

It is 1:16 am and I am on the computer posting my next blog. I enjoy the wee hours of the morning. It is my time to be me. No one talking to me, no one asking me to do anything. But wait, the only "no one" with me anymore is my husband. So why is this time so important to me? I can't figure out who I am or what I want out of my post-children life. Only the Lord knows and I have such a time trusting Him to give me direction. I feel like I am just killing time now. Did the saints deal with these issues? Did St. Theresa or Edith Stein say, "OK, God, now what?" I want to believe that there is something more for me now that my sweet children are on their own, but I am impatient and I want an answer now. God, are you listening?

Humor and the survival of the species.

I often feel like the lead character from "Psycho" or "Ordinary People" in that I have days of complete confusion as far as feeling like a decent and capable human, but to God I send great kudos for giving me a sense of humor. Humor saves me from completely losing myself in thoughts of self-absorption and sadness. I know a few definite things about myself. One: the fact that God is so good and I know He is with me even in my ugly and selfish times; two: that I have been granted the commission and privilege of having three unbelievable children; and three: that He has given me a psycho sense of humor. Maybe it is not the most credible sense of humor on Christian terms, but I truly appreciate humor that is clever and not main-stream; humor that makes us laugh at ourselves. I find no gratification in humor that relies on crudeness, but I see God's hand in original work that lets us see ourselves in our everyday silliness, in our belief that we are better than we are.
I am sure God gave me a sense of humor not only to survive the day to day, but to see all of our comings and goings in a certain perspective. Humor lets me see that life can be difficult, but with that humor, a good laugh is His way of saying, "it ain't that bad".

Mom

What more can I say than "mom". She is currently in a nursing home. She had a second knee replacement surgery 3-plus weeks ago. After complications with her depression and anxiety meds, combined with the surgical anesthetic, she went home from the hospital after two weeks (the routine hospital stay for knee replacement is 4-5 days). The day she went home was her 81st birthday. She no sooner got home, then she fell and sprained her "good" ankle. Within two hours of coming home she was back in the hospital. She spent two more days in the hospital and was then sent to a nursing home. She will probably be there for two more weeks.
Mom, dear heart that she is, is very needy. I have mentioned that she has dealt with major depression/anxiety her adult life. She has become a caricature of her former self. She is somewhat akin to a cartoon. She is all about her and thinks the world is interested in what she is and what she has to say. Her heart is in the right place, but mentally she has become like a child. This has been a very difficult aspect of my mother to deal with. Years ago she lost touch with her children's lives. She asks how we are, but within seconds forgets she asks, and moves on to mundane details about her everyday life. She really doesn't know any of her grandkids and their goings-on, and one could say she doesn't care, but I know it is because of her mental health issues. Still, it is very difficult to feel warmly toward her. I know she was a good mother when we were young, but she is like a distant character now. I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept her now, but I feel like she is her own island and we children are just floating around the island hoping to get on land.
I know many families have much greater issues to deal with. I was brought up well and my dad is a saint (more on that later), but it hurts that my mother doesn't know me and frankly, isn't really interested in my life. I hope to have insight on this when I die. I'm sure I will. Maybe God will slap me and say, "get over it". But in the meantime, it hurts.

Mother Theresa

I just finished reading an article on Mother Theresa in Time magazine. She apparently went through years of darkness as far as her feelings of closeness to our dear Lord. She had some 40 years of feeling left out of Christ's presence and yet served humanity despite this. Some would say she was kidding herself; I say she was serving the greater good despite her bleakness. What better example is that?!! God works in such mysterious ways!

Dr. Jekyl & Mrs. Snide

Does anyone wrestle with absolutes, as far as your faith goes? What I mean to say is, does anyone struggle with black and white with no allowance for the grey in between? My perception of how I was raised may not be totally accurate, and allowing for the fact that I am an obnoxiously sensitive person, I may have taken too much of my parent's teachings too literally. Mom has struggled with severe depression on and off since she was 19 years old. She also has bucket loads of anxiety. I feel like her effort as a parent to direct her children in the faith was somewhat skewed because of these issues. We were given black and white guidelines as far as "SIN". There was no allowance for the middle ground. Mom is much more comfortable without the middle ground. It makes her life more manageable.
At times in my life, sin has been a word filled with such doom and trepidation that I'd like to ignore it altogether. As a mature Christian, I know that's not possible.
Here is my quandary:
How can I accept myself as a Christian and still continuously repeat the same sins over and over? I know God is a God of mercy and forgiveness, but I frequently have that sense of doom. How will God ever allow me to share in his warm, heavenly home when I can't even control the simplest of sins?
On a sane day, I know from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, that I love Christ with all my heart and soul and that He returns the favor. But on those days when I proclaim myself a Christian and still think to myself, "What a jerk. He just cut me off in my lane"..... or "Can't she control her appetite? Look at how heavy she is".....I wonder how God can love me.
I want to believe that perfection is not what is expected of me, but instead of perfection, a deep desire to TRY to serve Him and to be a better person each day............baby steps, I know.

Back Pain and Endless Parenting.

Thanks to all the kind bloggers who responded to my initial posts! I hope to get to know you all in cyberspace. Maybe we can meet up with Ziggy Stardust out there. (I know, I'm really showing my age now.)

Last Friday, I began a three day excursion to Williamsburg, VA. to move my oldest child into her grad school apartment. She is studying gifted education (and by gifted I don't mean "How to Wrap a Present" 101). She hopes to develop programs for kids who excel in school and often get overlooked. Needless to say, I am very proud of her as I am of all my kids for completely different reasons.
My reason for bringing this up is directly related to the back pain I am experiencing today. I drove 10 hours to the college of William & Mary on Friday, helped my daughter unpack her belongings on Sat., then drove 10 more hours home on Sunday. Mentally, I still feel as though I am a relatively young person, but my pesky body tells me otherwise. My back is spasming today. I didn't do anything amazingly strenuous, and yet, here I am trying not to notice the lurking "oooga, oooga" that is screaming from my back. Really, aging doesn't bother me so much, but I still worry about the dreams I have not pursued. I was lucky to be blessed with a bit of a vocal talent....I'm sure some would disagree......and in college I did a bit of lounge singing (I know, God forbid) and a lot of dinner theatre. By the way, my husband also joined me on stage during that time. He has a booming bass voice that he doesn't use at all. A shame!!!
Once the children came, I was consumed with caring for them. Now they are basically on their own and I toy with the idea of getting back into some sort of performing. I lack direction. I hear loud and clear that God wants us to use our talents and I did sing with our church choir for several years, but I long for something more professional. I generally am not a go-getter, though.

So, again, here I am feeling a little like an asteroid, or maybe Ziggy Stardust, spinning out of control in space. I want to trust the good Lord, and yet I am not sure how much to depend on Him and how much to depend on myself and Him.

Headline: "Computer Illiterate Already Dissed"

While sharing the title of my new blog with my much younger, much more computer savvy boss, she found great hilarity in the length of my title (Who am I and other questions for Jesus). I suppose that in itself shows my lack of techno hipness. Feeling much akin to a goober at this point, I immediately thought about changing said title, but after a moment of clarity, I decided I am who I am, so love me anyway.


I have been struggling with a lousy self-image lately and praying a lot about it. Maybe God wants to humble me. I have even considered that maybe God is letting me take on my brother-in-law's life-crippling low self esteem so he can get better. I have been praying for him for years.


For the last 23 years, I have been consumed with my kid's comings and goings. Now that my youngest is in college, I have way too much time to think. It's amazing how easy it is to become self-centered. Our very wise parish priest tells me to pray for a new passion. OK God, I'm passionately praying for a new passion. Do you hear me?

A New Site for a Computer Illiterate

I am new to blogging, but my good friend, Sarah (who is also my boss...."snoring scholar") suggested I get into the blogging business. I am not old...or so I tell myself....but I am not a computer wizard like she is, so this is foreign territory to me. Oh, you young bloggers, bear with me.
My hope is to correspond with fellow Catholics, young and old, to enrich my faith and to keep a sense of humor about life.
I want to start a dialogue between cradle Catholics (myself) and converts. I am fascinated by converts who are so excited about the faith. I am working through years of love for the church and also years of frustration centering on guilt that I feel were "lovingly" given to me by my parents. I know they felt they were doing the best they could and I do have the greatest respect for them, but I struggle each day to remain sane in my faith.
So, here I go.
Talk to me.
Ann