For some time now I have been fighting the demons of right and wrong. It is a daily struggle to ward off the bad vibes I wake up feeling each day. Getting out of bed every day is a trial for me. I don't know how to wake up happy. I frequently wake up feeling like a lousy human being, but the rational side of me knows that I am most likely not much worse than anyone else.
I wrestle so often with the feeling that I have to accomplish a certain number of "good" things each day to feel like I am living up to my Godly potential, but as a Christian I know that faith is key and good works alone are not the answer.
So my conundrum.............I KNOW I have faith and I am greatly in love with God and his creation. I am in awe of all that He has made. I am so thankful for the gifts given to me. My husband, my amazing children, the home I grew up in, my dear friends, my church community, my job. The list is endless.
Yet, I still feel as though what I do is not enough and sometimes that God cannot love me for my shortcomings.
I want to wake up feeling God's love for me as the broken person I am and to know that every day is an adventure toward being better. I want to know that despite my lousiness, I am still ok in God's eyes.

A Return To Blog-ness

My husband was not comfortable with me blogging last year and so I decided to take a year off. After reading my adult daughter's blog recently, as well as my boss' blog, I decided to make a comeback. For us middle-aged kids, it can be kind of scary to think about random folks looking at our happenings and honest thoughts. I think that is what bothers my husband. I get that. But since the word "Jesus" is in the title of my blog, I'm guessing I won't attract too many stalkers.

I am in the midst of a lovely Advent season. I have decided to make Advent a time of some sacrifice, just as Lent is. I have so many things to be grateful for, especially the gift of God's love and peace. I am giving up a little something each day (the hardest being my beloved martinis on occasion...Oh, Beefeaters, how I love thee!) and I am reading a meditation each day as well and trying to incorporate that into my daily thoughts. It is making my Advent a richer time.

So fellow awaiters of Christ's visit this Christmas, tell me your thoughts for this beautiful season.

Peace!

NCYC 2007

I had the privelege of volunteering for the National Catholic Youth Conference in Columbus this last weekend. Oh my gosh!! I tend to be somewhat cynical about life in general, but seeing and meeting these kids that were open about being Catholic Christians was so inspiring. It took me well into my 30's to get the beauty of the Catholic faith, but these kids at the conference were proud of their faith and were kind and considerate young people. I'm not so naive as to think that as some of them get older, they may lose that enthusiasm, but just to see it was an inspiration for me. God works in mysterious ways. He has given me something to think about through this experience. Life is very, very short and I am astounded by these young people that aren't afraid to proclaim their faith.

Learning By Fire

My boss is on maternity leave...I miss her...but because of this fact I am facing many challenges. I am not good at not knowing what to do next, so this has been a trial by fire. On one hand, it is overwhelming, on the other, I see that I am forced to learn many things on my own, which is a good thing assuming I can keep my emotions intact. I am not good at going it alone. My husband reminds me that I am a follower, not a leader. I can accept that. It's who I am, but in this situation I am trying to be in control without bothering my dear boss while she is busy adjusting to baby #2. I realize that each new adventure I am given is a chance for growth. I just need to be calm and remember that God is with me and that I can only do what I can do.

The Suprise of Friends

Had a wonderful evening last night with my three good friends and our spouses. My girl friends and I met at our church years ago and have been fast friends since. Fifteen years ago, one of the ladies, Mary, needed to make a trip to her widowed father's beach house in Maryland to clear up some details. We had all just barely gotten to know each other through our church folk choir. On a whim, she asked me, Meg and Theresa, our two other now "buds", to join her for a long weekend. I had three relatively young kids at the time and was unsure if my husband would think this was a great idea. He reluctantly agreed and there I was traveling with three unknown entities. I remember thinking, "I don't even know these girls and I'm committing four days of my life with them. What if we don't really want to hang out with each other after all?" PPSHA!!! I made three tremendous friends that weekend and we remain best of friends. This Thursday we head out for our 15th, yes 15th, girl's trip. New York City! We have been to Las Vegas, the Bahamas, Toronto, Chicago, Scottsdale and many other enticing locations, but the best part of the journey is that it doesn't matter where we go, we have so much fun! We find humor in the little things and laugh until we can't laugh anymore. We've tried to let "Oprah" in on our little secret, but she doesn't seem interested. We've gotten so good at this that we have our own savings account for our trips, as well as our own credit card to use. We rack up points on our card to use on future trips. Our motto is "we love we". And shouldn't we? God has given me three spectacular friends that I can share my joys, tears, and mostly, laughs with. I am so thankful for these girls and I wish my good fortune on all women out there.

It's Not All About Me

I needed to take some time off of my extensive years of blogging....oh wait, its only been a couple of months.....but anyway, I needed some time away.
I had a visit with my mom recently. She had knee replacement surgery-her second-and my sibs and I were making an effort to visit with mom and dad to make sure they were getting along OK. As you know from my rantings, mom has mental health issues and dad caters to her every whim. I respect him immensely, but wish he would encourage her to do more for herself.
That aside, I spent last weekend with family-in-laws and friends, and through a series of discussions, I concluded that maybe I am as needy as mom. Could that be why she irritates me so?!
I think I need to be less aware of me and more about everyone else.
None of us are perfect....surprise!
I have been trying to go to confession more often and I find that each time I go, I end up in tears. I don't think I am that kind of a gal that cries easily, but for some reason, in confession, the tears flow. I could be confessing that I killed a fly (which, by the way, are plentiful in my work place, and I have been known to throw a curse word or two at those poor creatures....devils that they are!) and I'd still cry. I feel like the good Lord is telling me something. Confession is a cleansing experience. I wish more people would use this wonderful sacrament. It gives me pause and makes me think about the lasting effects of my selfishness.
Last week in confession as I was weeping about my relationship with mom, or more accurately, lack thereof, my dear priest told me to accept my mother as my cross to bear with Christ. Wouldn't you think that at 47 years of age I would have figured that out?!
It goes to show, our bodies age, but our psyches do not.
Peace.

Brittany Spears

I saw the video of Brittany Spears on You Tube at the VMA awards. First, let me say that the VMAs are not what I would choose to regularly view, but being who I am, I have a sick interest in the world of performers and wanted to see what all the hype was about.
Secondly, let me say that Brittany is not, and has never been, what I would call a role model for our young girls. That said, she has obviously lost her guiding light, if she indeed ever had one. BUT, who are we to judge what she is going through in her personal life?! I am not an advocate of girls gone bad; on the contrary I abhor the recent slew of young ladies who are our supposed examples of hip and current celebs. However, who am I to be critical of their overexposed lives?!
My point is, how can I be critical of their lifestyle just because it is shown on a daily basis in the media? I wonder, if my life was privy to the media, would others think I was wallowing in my consumption of myself? We don't have the right to judge and yet I find myself being the Supreme Court Justice of others. So, I say, Brittany, I feel sorry for you and your decisions and, Ann, I feel sorry for you in your judgement of those you don't really know.