Does anyone wrestle with absolutes, as far as your faith goes? What I mean to say is, does anyone struggle with black and white with no allowance for the grey in between? My perception of how I was raised may not be totally accurate, and allowing for the fact that I am an obnoxiously sensitive person, I may have taken too much of my parent's teachings too literally. Mom has struggled with severe depression on and off since she was 19 years old. She also has bucket loads of anxiety. I feel like her effort as a parent to direct her children in the faith was somewhat skewed because of these issues. We were given black and white guidelines as far as "SIN". There was no allowance for the middle ground. Mom is much more comfortable without the middle ground. It makes her life more manageable.
At times in my life, sin has been a word filled with such doom and trepidation that I'd like to ignore it altogether. As a mature Christian, I know that's not possible.
Here is my quandary:
How can I accept myself as a Christian and still continuously repeat the same sins over and over? I know God is a God of mercy and forgiveness, but I frequently have that sense of doom. How will God ever allow me to share in his warm, heavenly home when I can't even control the simplest of sins?
On a sane day, I know from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, that I love Christ with all my heart and soul and that He returns the favor. But on those days when I proclaim myself a Christian and still think to myself, "What a jerk. He just cut me off in my lane"..... or "Can't she control her appetite? Look at how heavy she is".....I wonder how God can love me.
I want to believe that perfection is not what is expected of me, but instead of perfection, a deep desire to TRY to serve Him and to be a better person each day............baby steps, I know.
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Ah, yes, black and white. I am a lover of black and white, and it's so hard to get it through my thick skull that GRAY is sort of the color of choice. I think Satan weaves in more with the gray than with anything else - at least he does in my life.
You don't have to accept yourself, Ann, but you do have to let God accept you. Which he does. Over and over. As he holds you close and snuggles you onto his lap.
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