Brittany Spears

I saw the video of Brittany Spears on You Tube at the VMA awards. First, let me say that the VMAs are not what I would choose to regularly view, but being who I am, I have a sick interest in the world of performers and wanted to see what all the hype was about.
Secondly, let me say that Brittany is not, and has never been, what I would call a role model for our young girls. That said, she has obviously lost her guiding light, if she indeed ever had one. BUT, who are we to judge what she is going through in her personal life?! I am not an advocate of girls gone bad; on the contrary I abhor the recent slew of young ladies who are our supposed examples of hip and current celebs. However, who am I to be critical of their overexposed lives?!
My point is, how can I be critical of their lifestyle just because it is shown on a daily basis in the media? I wonder, if my life was privy to the media, would others think I was wallowing in my consumption of myself? We don't have the right to judge and yet I find myself being the Supreme Court Justice of others. So, I say, Brittany, I feel sorry for you and your decisions and, Ann, I feel sorry for you in your judgement of those you don't really know.

Adoration

I do not consider myself the best example of Christianity, but I have been involved in our Eucharistic Adoration program for some 6 years. For those of you who are not Catholic, Adoration is an opportunity to spend an hour with Jesus at church in the presence of his Holy Body. To non-Catholics I know this must sound creepy, but to me it is a beautiful and peaceful way to share time with Jesus. The monstrance, the vessel in which the Eucharist is held, is placed on the altar. I have a whole hour to talk to Jesus in His most holy presence. I know He is with me at all other times, but there is something almost transforming about being in His presence in a quiet church with just myself, or maybe with one other fellow adorer, that is pure peace.
I sometimes walk into church (being a church employee, I have duties that require me to prepare the altar for weekend masses)and simply have an overwhelming feeling of the joy of Christ. I can't explain it, but I am so thankful for it. I often feel like a sub-moderate human being, but in this time with Jesus, I know He is with me and that He is letting me know, "Ann, give yourself a break and just enjoy me".

Time and feeling like a piece of crap!

It is 1:16 am and I am on the computer posting my next blog. I enjoy the wee hours of the morning. It is my time to be me. No one talking to me, no one asking me to do anything. But wait, the only "no one" with me anymore is my husband. So why is this time so important to me? I can't figure out who I am or what I want out of my post-children life. Only the Lord knows and I have such a time trusting Him to give me direction. I feel like I am just killing time now. Did the saints deal with these issues? Did St. Theresa or Edith Stein say, "OK, God, now what?" I want to believe that there is something more for me now that my sweet children are on their own, but I am impatient and I want an answer now. God, are you listening?

Humor and the survival of the species.

I often feel like the lead character from "Psycho" or "Ordinary People" in that I have days of complete confusion as far as feeling like a decent and capable human, but to God I send great kudos for giving me a sense of humor. Humor saves me from completely losing myself in thoughts of self-absorption and sadness. I know a few definite things about myself. One: the fact that God is so good and I know He is with me even in my ugly and selfish times; two: that I have been granted the commission and privilege of having three unbelievable children; and three: that He has given me a psycho sense of humor. Maybe it is not the most credible sense of humor on Christian terms, but I truly appreciate humor that is clever and not main-stream; humor that makes us laugh at ourselves. I find no gratification in humor that relies on crudeness, but I see God's hand in original work that lets us see ourselves in our everyday silliness, in our belief that we are better than we are.
I am sure God gave me a sense of humor not only to survive the day to day, but to see all of our comings and goings in a certain perspective. Humor lets me see that life can be difficult, but with that humor, a good laugh is His way of saying, "it ain't that bad".

Mom

What more can I say than "mom". She is currently in a nursing home. She had a second knee replacement surgery 3-plus weeks ago. After complications with her depression and anxiety meds, combined with the surgical anesthetic, she went home from the hospital after two weeks (the routine hospital stay for knee replacement is 4-5 days). The day she went home was her 81st birthday. She no sooner got home, then she fell and sprained her "good" ankle. Within two hours of coming home she was back in the hospital. She spent two more days in the hospital and was then sent to a nursing home. She will probably be there for two more weeks.
Mom, dear heart that she is, is very needy. I have mentioned that she has dealt with major depression/anxiety her adult life. She has become a caricature of her former self. She is somewhat akin to a cartoon. She is all about her and thinks the world is interested in what she is and what she has to say. Her heart is in the right place, but mentally she has become like a child. This has been a very difficult aspect of my mother to deal with. Years ago she lost touch with her children's lives. She asks how we are, but within seconds forgets she asks, and moves on to mundane details about her everyday life. She really doesn't know any of her grandkids and their goings-on, and one could say she doesn't care, but I know it is because of her mental health issues. Still, it is very difficult to feel warmly toward her. I know she was a good mother when we were young, but she is like a distant character now. I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept her now, but I feel like she is her own island and we children are just floating around the island hoping to get on land.
I know many families have much greater issues to deal with. I was brought up well and my dad is a saint (more on that later), but it hurts that my mother doesn't know me and frankly, isn't really interested in my life. I hope to have insight on this when I die. I'm sure I will. Maybe God will slap me and say, "get over it". But in the meantime, it hurts.